Of Lives and Lines (Regina's Story)
by EvilRegalMarie
Summary: When Regina finally gets the acceptance and redemption she's always yearned for, the emotional toll of her past catches up with her. Going back into her old habits of self-mutilation and punishment, she feels it's time to end it for good. How can someone who was evil for so long be worth saving? Who would miss Regina Mills? Swanqueen story, TW: self-harm, suicide attempt.
1. Chapter 1

Small drops of blood ran slowly down her arm as the metal met her perfect skin. A small piece of metal so sharp and painless alone, but deadly when met with the right emotional circumstances. The blade felt cold and her wrist was numb below the elbow. It's been so long since she's felt this familiar pang of adrenaline, but it's not hurting her the way it should. After everything that's happened, how could anything hurt the Mayor? The rush pulsing through her body is blocking out whatever it is she's supposed to be feeling, and that's almost a disappointment. Why was she doing this to herself if she wasn't even getting the satisfaction of a sting? Everyone in town had finally started to believe that Regina was a hero. She sacrificed her safety to save them, she defeated her sister with the good in her heart. For someone who has come so far, she feels as though she's been drug five miles back. It's been far too long since she's given her body the self-punishment she deserved.

'You mustn't do this to yourself dear. The habits you're engaging in are much too dangerous. If your mother finds out that you're...acting on this impulse..you know what she'll do to the both of us. She'll have you sent away. I know you may not love her the way she loves you, but I don't want to have to go a day without seeing you. You are my princess Regina. Now come here and let me clean your wounds. Don't waste such precious and beautiful skin with sharp objects. Look to me when you are in pain, and we will pray together. We will heal together.'

Tears fell alongside the blood as Regina began to come undone. Not only is she disappointing herself, her father is probably looking down on her in shame, not that he couldn't already hate her more for what she's done. She can't let herself lose control, she was all about control. She could hurt herself all she wanted so long as she doesn't think about it. She wants to cry from pain and grit her teeth as her skin stings, not release sadness over memories that are now out of her control. All of this pent up depression, pent up anxiety and this pent up battle with her past was finally taking it's toll on her mind and body; she just can't take it anymore. This is the time in her life where she is supposed to be the happiest. Right now she has everything she could ever want, yet she feels as though she has nothing. Being a truly good person and sparing the life of her sister causes her more pain than achievement, no one would have done the same for her. They would have watched her struggle to die and then spat on her grave; that's what she deserved.

She's opening up old wounds as she gives herself new ones to match them. Her head throbbed behind her eyes and in her temples, her hands shook and she continued to give herself the mutilation she deserved. Sadness turns into anger and she can't find it in herself to stop the crying. She has seen death; caused death. How could someone hurt so many people with no regrets and yet cry when they are alone? Fear of not doing enough damage turned into strength, and before she knew it, her forearm was filled with deep red ines, each one representing a part of her she will never get back. One for Daniel. One for Snow. One for her mother. One for her father. Most importantly, one for that innocent, beautiful girl she used to be. She wanted one for every person she's hurt, because by that point she would be dead.

Her cuts towards the bottom of her wrist seemed to grow deeper and more powerfully given, as if there was some hope in her that she would bleed out. Suicide wasn't her first intention, but it sounded like a better idea with every passing second. Henry could be happy for once without her and without his two mothers constantly at battle. Snow and David could live a life knowing that the woman who put them through hell is dead and gone. Their second child would forever been safe from her. Emma could breathe a sigh of relief that she'll never have to hear her sarcastic voice or look at her face again. Daringly, Regina holds the blade up against her own neck, close enough to graze the skin yet not draw any blood. The deciding moment was now, and she knew that no one would miss her. She was evil, after all. Evil will never change, everyone was lying to her. She could never be a hero. A loud knock on the door startled her as she jumped a bit out of her seat, quickly pulling down her sleeve, hiding the blade in her desk drawer and turning around. 'How did anyone know I was in my office', she thought to herself. She wasn't even supposed to be working today. It was a Saturday, the perfect time to disappear.

"Regina hey! I've been looking for you. Henry's with Mary Margaret right now, but to celebrate finally taking care of your sister and the birth of my new baby brother he thought maybe we could all go out for ice cream. After what you've done, there's no way we could go without you. You deserve it, it's my treat."

Regina should have figured Emma would be the first one to come barging through her door. She should be happy that someone was there to save her, someone to catch her in the act and save her from impending death. Instead she was angry. Without anyone to stop her, there would be no reason for delay. She wouldn't have to think twice about it; she wouldn't back out. The saivor always seems to find a way to come when she's not exactly wanted, but most needed. Regina has made peace with everyone, even the Charmings, and deep down she loves Emma more than anyone will ever know, but at this point in life it's best for everyone if she goes. She can't erase the past; her mistakes won't just go up in smoke and disappear. She looks up and tries her best to give Emma at least a half-smile, to at least make her think she's okay. If she can get her to leave for even a moment, the job will be done and that will be the last that anyone will see of Regina Mills.


	2. Chapter 2

Regina doesn't want questioning or concern on the subject, she's too used to handling things alone. She went through her whole life alone, no one would ever stay long enough to offer her comfort or help. All she wanted was for the blonde to leave so she could go out in peace. She faked her smile even wider and rested her hands on her lap. If she could just manage to play it cool for a minute or two, it would all be over. She would be with her mother and father once again. She would be with Daniel. These thoughts of rekindling with her loved ones brought a true smile to her face, her daydreams taking over her current state of mind. Her attempt to hold a smile was quickly cut off by the continuous throbbing of her head and the dizziness washing over her. Whether it was blood loss or the stress of being found out, the brunette feels a horrible sickness taking over her body. It almost felt like someone was beating her with a club; she was struggling to focus and keep her eyes open. 'Play it off for Emma', she kept telling herself. 'Don't give yourself away. Pretend for Emma'

Before she could think about keeping her plan in place, she placed her right arm on the desk in front of her as she went to rub her aching temples, her sleeve down but blood stains quickly making their appearance. The amount of blood rushing from her fresh wounds was enough to kill her if she let it go; and all she had to do was let go. "Are you feeling okay Regina? You look like you don't-" Emma looked down as the shade of red caught her eye, and at that moment Regina wishes lightning would strike her down where she's sitting. So much for the plan. So much for Daniel and her parents. Now that Emma knows, she won't let her be where she most desires to be. 'I'm sorry Daddy', she whispers under her breath, unsure if she feels guilt for the attempt or guilt for not being ready to meet him once more. Emma grabbed her arm and pushed up her sleeve, gasping silently at what she saw before her. She had never thought of Regina as one to self-harm, especially in such a deep manner. She had no words to put to how she was feeling or what she should do, all she knew is that she thought she was going to faint. Emma becomes frantic as she searches for her cell phone. She has to call 911 and save her; she has to stop the bleeding. She loves Regina even if it still is a secret; she can't lose her. Her cell phone is no where to be found, and she's running out of time.

Regina puts her head down quickly, pulling her arm away from Emma's tight grasp and feels a tear steam down her cheek. Great, more crying that she can't control. She doesn't want to look at Emma. She doesn't want this moment to happen; she just wants to disappear. Disappear and forget. Disappear and forget. She felt Emma grab her hand and jerk her forward, pulling her body against hers. Her face was so close to the blonde's that she could feel the heat of her breath on her pale cheeks. Out of everything she's done, this has to be the most terrifying moment in Regina Mill's life. No one has ever come so far into her world that they can't get out, and Emma can't get out. Not now. A look of bewilderment, fear and panic takes over Emma's face. "Regina, what the fuck are you doing?!" As much as she tries to stay calm, the volume of her voice rises. Her chest felt heavy and she was having a hard time taking regular breaths. "Seriously!? Do you not give a fuck about Henry, about me, about any of us? Do you not realize how much we care about you? Do you not know that you're good?! That you don't deserve this?!" All of this anger coming from Emma halts as she drops to her knees in front of where Regina is seated.

"Regina please..I'm sorry that this had to come out this way. I love you Regina. I'm in love with you. I should have said this sooner and now I had to tell you like this. Henry loves you. Please, I'm going to help you. Please don't leave me. Don't leave us Regina. We are a family. I know you've lost it all but I promise you that if you stay here with us, I will never let anyone hurt you again. Please." Emma starts to cry as she looks at the blood running freely down Regina's arms. She takes off her own shirt and wraps it tightly around her wrist, pressing hard on the wounds and trying to stop the intensity of the bleeding. Maybe Emma was right. Maybe all she needed was right here, but how could she continue to live with herself after so many years of wrongdoings? The room spun around Regina as she still fought the battle between life and death in her mind. She wanted to live for Emma and Henry now, but she didn't want to live for herself. She hated herself and everything she ever stood for. At the same time, hearing that Emma loved her set off something in the older woman's heart; a mutual feeling of attraction that neither of them thought they would ever be able to express. Those secret feelings for Emma that Regina has been hiding will now finally have an answer. She can have Emma, of course if she lives. She did have something to live for, and it took to clinging on to life to wake her up.

The dizziness overtook Regina as she leaned back in her office chair and closed her eyes. Her stomach was churning and she felt as though she might vomit. All she wanted to do was go to sleep; go to sleep and start this day over where this never happened. How could she make this mistake and do this in a moment of weakness? What is Henry going to think of her? The walls around her seemed to cave in and the paint from them took on the appearance of dripping water. Her eyes went black and as much as she tried to focus on those beautiful eyes of Emma's, she felt herself falling away. 'No Emma, don't leave me', Regina whispers out. 'I don't want to go."

"Emma help me."


	3. Chapter 3

_'Mom...How could you do this to me? Don't you love me? No, you don't. I knew you never loved me. I knew you would never change. You tried to leave me again. You tried to leave Emma. I hate you."_

_"No. Henry I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Please come back, please. I'm good now. I'll do better this time, I promise. I'm not dying, I don't want to die anymore. I love the both of you. Henry please…"_

Regina's eyes snapped open as her body forced her awake from her nightmare. Sweat covered her forehead and palms, her body felt weaker than it had ever felt before. Her mind felt empty yet her heart was racing fast, adrenaline still coursing through her a mile per minute. The older woman sat up and looked around in a confused dazed, shocked at the surroundings in her view. Mary Margaret's apartment never seemed so different to her. The room looked blurry and had a spin to it. Everything was desolate, she heard no noise, which was quite unusual when it came to the Charmings' home. She listened for a second, almost hoping to hear some sign of presence, but nothing. No sounds of a precious newborn baby, no sounds of her son wondering if his mother was okay, no sounds from the savior. A sharp pain in her arm had quickly given her a reminder of recent events. Of Emma finding out her horrible secret, of her losing everything she finally grasped. Why was she here and not in the hospital? She looked down again at the bandages wrapping her wrist; she was too afraid to look at the damage. She didn't want to see.

Henry must hate her now that he knows, just like in her nightmare, she's sure that he knows what she's done to herself. How could she be here crashed on his grandmother's bed without him knowing why? That wasn't something that happened every day. She continues to look around the room while trying to recollect her memories of earlier. How did Emma get her here and how long had it been? She must have passed out while talking to Emma, and Emma probably hates her for what she's done too. No wait, Emma loves her. That shining moment found it's way to the front of Regina's brain. Emma said that she loves her. That she wants her to live for her and Henry. That's why she's here. The room around her remained empty and all she could focus on was the light making perfect, long rays in the windows. It gave her a sense of peace for a moment, a reminder that she had them and everything was going to be alright. The pain fills her body once again, her head is killing her and her arm continued to throb; she just wished she had a little bit of energy, at least enough to get up and go find someone. She found herself continuing to stare at the light through her thoughts anyways, almost as if she was in a painful, drugged daze. She wanted to scream; she just wanted Emma. She wanted Henry.

"Emma?", Regina called out as loudly as she could manage. Whether or not she was really ready to talk about what occurred earlier, she was freezing, had to pee and wanted to put an end to the blonde's worry. In a matter of seconds, the sound of boots slamming their way up the stairs was heard and the younger woman found her way into Mary's room, dropping by Regina's bedside and embracing her as tight as she possibly could. The squeezing was causing Regina more pain, but she wasn't going to complain. She could see stains of tears on the sides of Emma's face, knowing damn well that she's the one who has caused them. Her eyes were bright red and puffy so she must have been crying for quite a long time. Damn. Regina felt guilty. She didn't want to hurt so many people. Is this how they would have been hurt if she would have died earlier today? She didn't think anyone would have cared enough to shed a single tear over her. Emma embraced her once more, this time not letting go for what felt like an hour. Neither woman said anything, just shared comfort in each other's arms. Finally words were spoken and the hug was cut off.

"Regina... I am so glad you're okay. Holy shit I thought I lost you. Please, please don't ever do this to me again.", Emma's voice started to shake and she sounded again like she was on the edge of breaking down. "Don't ever hurt yourself, you are too beautiful to be hurting like this." Regina nodded and immediately regretted that as she writhed in pain; she was going to need some good painkillers to get rid of this headache and soreness. Emma immediately noticed her struggle and was doing everything she could to assist the woman.

"Are you okay? How are you feeling Regina? Please be okay." Emma's face showed concern as she looked down at the older woman. It was almost as if she knew something Regina didn't know, like she was hiding a secret deep within her that she was afraid of releasing. Looking down at the tired woman below her, Emma wished there was more she could do to ease the pain she was feeling on the inside. Her skin was so pale, her eyes so sunken in. She just looked so exhausted. So broken.

"Yes dear, I'm fine", Regina said with just a hint of sarcasm. Even when she didn't try to be mean, her personality always included bits of subtle angst. " I'm just feeling a little ill and in pain still. I'll be alright after I get some rest but I need to use the bathroom, would you mind helping me up?" Her bladder was now sending her twinges of pain and again reminded her that she could have been knocked out for hours.

Yeah sure", the blonde started, taking Regina's hand in hers and gently pulling her onto her feet. She kept her other hand on Regina's lower back, just in case she was still bad on balance. She went to take a step forward and Emma stopped her, taking a moment to conjure up the right words to say.

"I just wish you would have talked to me Regina. We are friends now, we defeated your sister together. We have a son together. Whatever you're feeling, you don't have to go through this alone and you don't have to be afraid to tell me. I know that we've had our fair share of rough times in the past year and I know that you have trouble letting people in, but please just give me a chance to help you. I can tell how much you're hurting. I can see it in your eyes. I've been through a lot too. I know that it's not the same, but when I was younger all I wanted was a friend. Now I have one and I would have never imagined it would be you. It's okay to feel hurt even when you're supposed to smile, it's okay to need closure. I love you Regina. Right now we are friends, but...but I can see more than that. I love every part of you, the good and the bad. I am in love with your smile. The way your eyes light up when you look at Henry. The fire in your voice when you're threatening me." Emma laughed jokingly. "I love you Regina, and I'm sorry that it took this happening for me to finally be able to admit it. I know that this could be the end now. I know that you don't feel the same way and that's okay. But please don't hate me. I'll never bring it up again." She could tell that the blonde was holding back her tears at this statement. Her lip trembled as she looked down, but she was too afraid to break. She can't. Not now.

"I can't promise you that it will be easy, but I promise you that I'll try to do better Emma. I won't hurt myself because I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to hurt Henry. I'm not going to walk away from this, because the truth is that I love you too. I was too afraid..until now."

For the first time, their eyes were locked on each other completely. Silence was filling the room, and neither woman knew what to say next. Before she knew it, Regina finds herself in the arms of the savior, touching her lips to hers and taking her in. A kiss so passionate and full of angst, hope and care that she never wanted it to end. It felt so right in every aspect, with Emma swan is where she belonged. They finally broke off the kiss when Emma ran out of breath.

So where is my son?", Regina asked, almost forgetting about Henry for a moment. She was so caught up in what just happened that she was in a little bit of a shock.

"He and his grandparents went out to get the ice cream we talked about getting earlier. I don't know if you remember but I actually came over to invite you too and then...well you know what happened. Snow and David know what's going on but I didn't want him involved, he's too young. They thought taking him away from the situation would be best right now, but they do know that you're in their house. To be honest I thought Snow was going to have a panic attack in the middle of the street when she heard the news, but I got her calmed down. They're just really worried about you Regina; they don't want to see anything happen to you either. And in case you're wondering, he didn't "see" anything. I know you were probably worried about that. He knows you're here with me but he thinks it's just because you're sick.

"Emma, I don't want to lie to him anymore…I want to be good."

"Well what do you think he's going to say when his mother tells him she almost died right after saving everyone in town because she tried to kill herself?"


	4. Chapter 4

Emma didn't mean to snap and she immediately regretted her rebuttle. Regina said nothing, continuing to stand still and stare at the floor. Emma almost expects her to walk out of the room, but she appears frozen. "Regina, I'm sorry."

"No, Emma, it's me. You're right. I wouldn't want my son to know that. I wouldn't want to cause him that pain. He is too young. He would only blame himself. I shouldn't get angry that you're trying to look out for me and our son."

"Yes, our son." Emma smiled and looked up for a moment as if a ton of weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. The battle over Henry was gone. They were a family.

"So um, bathroom?", Regina looked at Emma, now remembering her growing need.

"Oh yeah of course. I'm sorry. The blonde led her to the restroom and waited outside of the door, helping her get back into bed when she was finished. Just walking up and down the hallway exhausted Regina, but she guessed that a lot of blood loss will tire you out. As much as she tried to stop thinking about what she ddi, it was eating away at her. It's not something you can just brush under the rug, even in your happiest moment. Emma held Regina's hand and rubbed it in an attempt to soothe her. "Can I get you anything? You look like hell. Are you hungry? It is seven o'clock." Seven. She's been out cold for over six hours, and that scares the shit out of her.

"No no, I'm not hungry. Can I just have some Tylenol. I have a splitting headache." Emma nods and runs out of the room to grab the bottle of pills. Sitting up, Regina decides that it's time to face her demons and look at the damage she's done to herself. She can't hide from it forever. There will be scarring and she'll probably require a lot of makeup to hide the marks away for a while. She takes a few deep breaths and thinks about her father and Daniel holding her, telling her that she will be fine. That she just needs to look and then let go. She wanted to see before Emma came back, she needed to do this alone.

Slowly, Regina unwrapped the bandage covering a large part of her lower arm; what she saw sent her into utter shock. Not a cut was visible. There was no blood. There were no marks. No stinging. Not anything but a single white line, small as a scratch.

"Here's some Tylenol and water. I made you some toast, eat it. It will help you." Regina stared up at Emma in disbelief. She knows that the earlier events from that day actually occurred, was she going crazy now too? She was starting to panic.

"Emma. Where are the cuts!? I thought I…passed out…you know from the blood. It hurts, I know it happened, but why can't I see anything? Am I losing my mind? Is this all a dream?" Regina's breaths shortened as she continued to stare at her arm, looking at it as if it was going to fall off.

"Yeah, you did pass out. That's why I brought you here, remember? I thought we just went through this."

"But there's only one scratch on my body and I know that I... I could have sworn..."

"You did…and you were healed."

"Healed?", Regina looked up at the blonde in awe. Never has she seen a healing spell performed on someone successfully, especially someone she knew personally. It was difficult to conjure even with years of magical practice, and Emma was just a beginner. There was just so much to it, she herself even struggled with spells of the sort. A spell like that is so draining and needs to be done by someone close to the person who was wounded. Like any good curse, true love seems to be the most important ingredient. It didn't sound like something Gold could have done, and if Henry didn't know what had happened...

"Who healed me Emma?..."

"The person who loves you."

3


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